The DNC’s 2024 election autopsy is less of a postmortem and more of a burial at sea, with Chair Ken Martin acting as the lead undertaker. He’s officially rebranded this forensic investigation into a series of self-inflicted wounds as an “after-action review,” a delightful bit of consultant-speak designed to suggest that driving the party car off a cliff was just a minor navigational hiccup. The report, compiled from 300 interviews across 50 states, has been tossed into a shredder because the truth is now considered a distraction from the “North Star” of winning. It’s a bold strategy: if the facts of your failure are too embarrassing to print, simply declare them classified and ask the donors for another twenty-five bucks to fund the next disaster.

While the establishment plays coy, progressives have launched their own autopsy, and the results are a bloodbath of reality. They’ve correctly identified that the “Vibes” strategy, a nauseating cocktail of joy, memes, and Liz Cheney-themed brunch invitations, failed to resonate with voters who were busy choosing between eggs and electricity. The DNC bragged about a “great economy” while the working class watched their grocery bills climb thirty-percent, a tone-deafness that turned the party into a foreign entity in the Rust Belt. Adding to the moral vacuum was the administration’s stance on Gaza, a massive blind spot that alienated the youth and Arab-American voters who were expected to simply ignore a conflict that horrified an entire generation.

The “Coronation Crisis” didn’t help either. By skipping a primary and handing Kamala Harris a baggage-laden campaign, the DNC ensured she never had to prove she could win over a single skeptical voter. Now, instead of accountability, the leadership is using a few off-year wins in deep-blue pockets as a smoke screen to protect the high-priced consultants who haven’t won a non-incumbent national election since the Blackberry was relevant. These vultures are already pivoting to 2026, where the establishment’s plan for “managed decline” involves courting billionaire donors in the AI and crypto sectors while quietly scrubbing the platform of anything resembling aggressive regulation or antitrust teeth.

The progressives, however, are drafting an ideological divorce settlement. They are ditching the “don’t scare the donors” mantra for a “the donors are the problem” campaign, pushing for a $17 federal minimum wage and a total war on corporate price gouging. They’ve realized that trying to flip wealthy suburbanites who find the “orange guy” distasteful is a fool’s errand that only insults the blue-collar base. In response, the DNC is launching a donor-backed counteroffensive, throwing “historic” crumbs to state parties—up to $22,500 a month for red states—to buy their silence and build a firewall against grassroots takeovers. It’s classic trickle-down politics: pay for the local office’s electricity so they don’t notice the national leadership has set the roof on fire.

This is a high-stakes game where the establishment would rather lose with a moderate they can control than win with a populist they can’t. As pro-Israel groups like AIPAC prepare to flood 2026 primaries with eight-figure sums to primary-proof safe blue seats, the internal war is reaching a fever pitch. The DNC is betting that they can keep the house from burning down by selling off the water rights to the highest bidder, while younger progressives prepare to challenge the party elders who have become little more than placeholders for corporate interests. The 2026 platform isn’t being written in a committee; it’s being forged in a hostile takeover of the primary process, where the only thing guaranteed is that the consultants will still get paid.